Hungarian potato pancakes

They're not actually Hungarian, they're Polish. We just call them 'Hungarian' to make them sound fancy and foreign.

Ingredients:

For the stew

• 500g of diced pork
• 500g of diced beef
• 1 large or 2 small onions, diced
• 1 tbsp of salted butter
• 2 red peppers, roughly chopped
• 3 cloves of garlic
• 1 tsp of ground caraway
• 1 tbsp of spicy paprika
• 1 tbsp of smoky paprika
• 1 tbsp of chilli flakes (optional)
• 2 tbsp of sour cream
• 1 tbsp of plain flour
• salt, to taste
• 1 cup of water
• a dollop of sour cream to serve
• oil for frying

For the potato pancakes

• 500g of potatoes, peeled and finely grated
• 1/2 a large onion, or 1 small, grated (I strongly recommend using a food processor for that)
• 1 egg
• 2 tbsp of plain flour
• 1/2 tsp of salt
• a pinch of pepper
• sunflower oil (plenty of) for frying

1. Heat up oil in 2 pans. Add butter to one of them, and once the butter melts add in onions. Fry until the onions are lightly browned. Brown the meat in the other one, in batches, so that the pan isn't overcrowded.
2. Put the meat, onions, garlic, water, smoked and spicy paprika, caraway and a good pinch of salt in a slow cooker. cook on low heat for about 5 hours. If you don't have a slow cooker, just use a pot and slow cook it the old-fashioned, analogue way. Light a bonfire in your kitchen and hang a cauldron over it or something, dunno.
3. Once the meat is completely tender, taste the stew and spice up/season as required.
4. Mix the cream and flour in a cup, and add a few spoonfuls of the liquid from the stew, one by one, mixing it in so that there are no lumps. Now add it back into the stew and mix in. Cook for another 5 min or so.
5. For the potato pancakes, mix the grated potatoes and onions, egg, flour and seasoning together. If you feel adventurous, you can add chilli flakes to it as well.

6. Fry on a generous amount of oil and medium heat, like you would normal pancakes, until golden brown and cooked all the way through. It may take about 10 min on each side.

7. Serve the pancakes with the stew and a dollop of sour cream. Also goes well with pickled gherkins or peppers.

Kefir dumplings

To be served with a stew of your choosing.

Making a stew, not sure what to serve it with? Boom. Kefir dough dumplings. You're welcome.

Ingredients:

• 500g of Kefir (you'll need to venture into the chilled Polish isle in your local supermarket for that one. Don't worry, just act normal. Don't run. With any luck you won't run into your cleaner.)
• 5 tbsp of sunflower oil
• 1 tbsp of white wine vinegar
• 1 tbsp of granulated sugar
• 1 tsp of salt
• 700g of plain flour, plus a bit more for dusting
• 1 tsp of bicarbonate soda

1. Mix the Kefir, 1 tbsp of oil, vinegar, sugar and salt in a bowl.
2. Sift the flour and bicarbonate soda into the same bowl and mix in.
3. Transfer onto a work surface dusted with flour and knead until the dough stops sticking to your hands. You may need to work more flour into it. The dough should be quite soft.
4. Divide in into 4 equal parts.
5. Flour the worktop again and roll each part into a very thin rectangle (no more than 0.5cm).
6. Pour 1 tbsp of oil on top of it and smear around with your fingers until it's evenly covered.
7. Roll up the dough from one side, like you would a cinnamon swirl, until you get a long sausage shape.
8. Cut into roughly 1 inch chunks.
9. Repeat with the remaining 3 parts. You should get roughly 30-35 dumplings.
10. When your stew is ready and boiling, reduce the heat and gently place all of the dumplings on top of it. You may want to do this in a fairly deep dish, because you'll have to cover it. My dumplings were sticking out a bit, so I couldn't use a normal lid for the pan, but I happened to have a wok of the same size, so I used that as a lid. Also, the next step is to cook them on low-medium heat for about 40 min, so you may want to make sure your stew has plenty of liquid in it. Otherwise it may burn a bit.
11. Cook for about 40 min, covered (told you).

Best Hummus Ever ©Neil

Ingredients

• 4x Cans of Chickpeas (Drained) 
• A fuck ton of Garlic. 
• 2tbps of Sesame Seeds 
• ½ cup of 🍋 juice 
• ¾ cup of water 
• ½ cup of olive oil 
• 2 tbps of pine nuts 
• ½ Red pepper 
• Souls of your vanquished enemies, the more the better. 
• “Handful” of coriander and basil 
• 1 tsps of; 
• Tumeric 
• Cumin 
• Garam Masala
• 2 tsps of Mustard Seeds 
• 3 tsps of Maldons Smoked Sea Salt 
• 1 tsps of chilli flakes, more if you're not a little bitch. 

Method

• Put all the shit above into a food processor. Turn the food processor on. Turn off again when at desired chunkyness. 

This will make quite a lot of hummus. But who doesn't want a fuck tonne of hummus? If you want less for some reason divide the quantity in half. If you want even less then you're a disappointment.

Armenian turd soup

Yes, I'm sure it has an actual name. Whatever, it tastes a bajillion times better than it looks.

It's a delicious, aromatic, slightly sweet and sour lamb stock with pomegranate molasses and cinnamon, chickpeas and lamb meatballs stuffed with prunes..

...which look like turds.

Well they do!!

Ingredients:

For the turds:

- 500g lamb mince
- about 8 prunes (pick ones that aren't too dry), halved
- 1 large onion, grated
- 3 tbsp of uncooked rice
- salt and pepper to taste
- oil for frying

For the stock:

- 2l of lamb stock (if you're using stock cubes, don't use the full recommended amount to begin with. E.g. if the package says to use 4 cubes for 2 litres of stock, use 3 to begin with. You can always add more at the end, and pomegranate molasses can be quite strong in flavour, so you don't want to overdo it)
- 1/2 cinnamon stick
- 2 tbsp pomegranate molasses (if you can't get pomegranate molasses, you can easily make it from pomegranate juice, sugar and lemon juice - recipe below)*
- 400g can of chickpeas
- 1 tsp of lemon juice
- 1/2 bunch of fresh coriander, chopped
- 1/2 bunch of fresh dill, chopped
- (optional) 1/4 tsp of liquid smoke

*If you're making pomegranate molasses yourself:

- 4 cups of pomegranate juice (not pomegranate juice drink - if has to be 100% pomegranate juice, like POM)
- 1/2 cup of sugar
- 2 tbsp of lemon juice

1. If you decide to make pomegranate molasses yourself, mix all the ingredients in a wide pan and simmer for about an hour. Once it thickens to a syrupy texture, let it cool slightly and transfer to a jar. You can store it in the fridge for... erm... until it looks off, I guess?

2. To make the turdy meatballs, mix the lamb, rice, onion and a good amount of salt and pepper together in a bowl. Form turd-shape meatballs, with half a prune inside each. You should get about 12-16 turds, depending on how generously you wrap the prunes in meat.

3. Heat up oil in a frying pan and sear all of your turds on medium to high heat, until they are browned on all sides.

4. Next, make the stock. Pour the lamb stock into a large soup pot, add the cinnamon stick and bring to boil.

5. Add pomegranate molasses and give it a bit of a stir to dissolve.

6. Drain and rinse the chickpeas, and add to the soup.

7. Carefully place your turds into the soup, and let it all simmer together for 20-25 minutes, or until the chickpeas are soft.

8. Add lemon juice to taste. It should be slightly sweet and sour, and a bit smoky and christmassy. Sometimes, I add a 1/4 spoon of liquid smoke to bring out the flavour.

9. Serve with a garnish of coriander and dill.

Mmmm... tasty turds.

Khachapuri Adjaruli

Georgian cuisine falls into the category of those foods which, for some mysterious, unknown to anyone reasons, isn't popular all over the world. And it should be! Just look at it. It's a cheesy bread boat. I mean, what else is there to life?

Ingredients:

Dough:

• 175ml (3/4cup) water, heated to about 30-40C
• 175ml milk (3/4 cup), heated to about 30-40C
• 1 tsp of sugar
• 1 tsp of dried active yeast
• 1 tbsp of olive oil + a bit for greasing bowl/baking tray
• 1.5 tsp salt
• 500g of flour + a bit more if needed and for dusting

Filling:

• 200g of feta cheese
• 250g of mozzarella cheese
• 4 eggs
• roughly 4 tbsp of slightly salted butter
• 4 tbsp of unsalted butter

Other equipment:

• Damp tea towel
• baking paper
• baking tray
• rolling pin
• warm place

1. First of all, this recipe involves yeast, which means you'll need to leave it to grow in a warm place. If - like myself - you live in Scotland (or other climatically challenged country), there is probably no warm place in your house. Every time I bake with yeast I sacrifice my electricity bill to the Bread Gods and crank up the heating to "sauna" setting. Or put the oven on and leave it ajar. I know, I know.
2. The first step is to mix the milk and water in a large bowl. They need to be heated up (e.g. microwaved) to about 30-40C. If you do not have fancy kitchen equipment such as a food thermometer, fear not. There's a way. Stick your finger in it (the clean one). If it burns, it's too hot. If it feels like fresh pee, you're there.
3. Add the sugar and mix until dissolved.
4. Sprinkle the yeast on top of the water and milk (do not mix in), cover with a damp tea towel and leave in a warm place for about 10 minutes. The yeast should get a bit foamy. If it doesn't get foamy, try again from scratch.
5. Add the 1 Tbsp of olive oil and mix in.
6. Add half the flour and mix in with a spoon.
7. Mix in the salt.
8. Gradually add the rest of the flour, little by little, mixing it in with a spoon until it comes together. Transfer in onto a work surface lightly dusted with flour. Knead it for about 5 minutes, adding more flour if needed. It should be very soft and tacky, but not sticky. The dough should be really smooth, light and warm, kind of like strangling a boneless sphinx cat. 
9. Put the dough in a lightly greased bowl, cover with a damp tea towel and leave in a warm place for about 1h. It should double in size in that time.
10. While the dough is rising, you can prepare the stuffing. Crumble up the feta and shred the mozzarella. Mix together. Well done, give yourself a pat on the back.
11. Perheat the oven to 230C.
12. Split the dough into 4 equal parts, and roll each of them out into an ellipse no more than a 1/2cm thick.
13. Roll the sides up to create edges, and pinch the ends to create a 'boat' shape.

15. Place the boats on a baking tray lined with lightly greased baking paper. Bake for about 2 minutes, then take out and fill up with the cheese stuffing. Crack an egg into the middle of each boat and return to the oven for another 10 minutes or so, or until the egg white is *just* cooked and the dough is lightly golden brown.

16. Take out of the oven, place a tbsp of butter on each khachapuri and serve immediately. The yolk should be still runny.