Barbaryiaki Chicken with wasabi slaw and sushi rice.

BBQ Teryiaki roasted chicken, with wasabi, leek and carrot salad and sushi rice.

Fusion bonanza extravaganza. Because f you, that's why.

Sorry about the sh*te photo, I was hungry.

For the chicken:

• a chicken, or parts thereof
• 120ml soy sauce
• 2 tbsp honey
• 2 tbsp rice vinegar
• 2 tbsp dark brown sugar
• 2 tbsp sesame seeds
• 2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 (2cm) piece ginger, grated
• 2-3 tbsp of BBQ sauce
• 4 tbsp water
• 1 tbsp cornflour

1. Mix soy sauce, honey, rice vinegar, brown sugar, sesame seeds, garlic, ginger and BBQ sauce together in a saucepan.
2. Bring to a simmer over medium heat.
3. Combine the cornflour with water in a separate bowl (have fun with the non-Newtonian fluid you just made. You're welcome.).
4. Add that to the rest of the sauce, mix thoroughly and simmer for about 3-5min, stirring all the time. Take off the heat and let it cool down a bit.
5. Place chicken in a large bowl. Cover it evenly in the sauce, stick some clingfilm over the bowl, put it in the fridge and let it marinade for a few hours.
6. Pre-heat the oven to 180 degrees. Roast the chicken until it's cooked evenly, basting it regularly and adding a bit of oil if needed.

For the salad:

• 1 large or 2 small leeks, sliced
• 2-3 small carrots, grated
• 3 tbsp of mayo, the king of all condiments
• 2 tbsp of soy sauce
• 2-3 tbsp of wasabi paste (or, you know - green horseradish paste, more likely)

1. Combine all of the above.

For the sushi rice:

• sushi rice
• sushi rice seasoning

1. Boil rice.
2. Add seasoning.

Tarragon, prawn and chorizo pasta sauce with cheese ravioli

Look at that beaut! It's inspired by (ie. I kinda sorta stole the idea of) a lovely pasta dish I had in a fantastic Italian restaurant in Paris. The combination of the aniseed-y flavour from tarragon, the creamyness of the ravioli, and the Spanish "oh hello, you weren't expecting us here, were you?" from the prawns and chorizo works so well together I'm definitely going to make this one one of my regulars.

Ingredients:

• 2 shallots, finely chopped
• 100g of chorizo
• 1 clove of garlic, minced
• 1 can of chopped tomatoes (400g)
• 1tbsp of tomato puree
• 1 tbsp of tarragon (dried)
• 1tbsp of extra thick double cream
• 100g of frozen cooked prawns (leave them in a sieve to defrost before adding to the sauce)
• salt and pepper to taste

To serve:

• cheese ravioli or tortellini*

1. Add shallots and chorizo into a pan on low heat. The chorizo will soon start giving off fat, so no need to add any more - just remember to give it a stir to coat the onions. Fry on low heat until the onions are soft and glossy.
2. Add tarragon, garlic and tomatoes. Cook on low heat for about 5-10min.
3. Taste, season with salt and pepper and add more tarragon or tomato puree if needed. It should have a distinct, but not overpowering aniseedy taste from the tarragon, and fragrant but not too sour flavour from the tomatoes.
4. Cook on very low heat for about 20 min.
5. Add the prawns and cream, and cook on low heat for another 5 min.
6. Serve with cheese ravioli or tortellini.

*No, no I didn't make the ravioli from scratch, ok?? Who the f has got time for that??? Just get over it already.

Chocolate and butterscotch poke cake

Ever considered giving yourself type II diabetes? No? Why not? I hear it's fun.

Well, if you change your mind...

Ingredients:

Cake:

• 50g of cocoa powder
• 6 tbsp of boiling water
• 3 eggs
• 2 tbsp of milk
• 175g of self raising flour
• 1 tsp of baking powder
• 100g of unsalted butter
• 300g of caster sugar
• 1 tsp of vanilla extract

Chocolate ganache:

• 400g of milk chocolate, broken into pieces
• 400ml of double cream

Butterscotch:

• 30g of salted butter
• 400g of light brown sugar
• 100ml of double cream
• pinch of salt
• 1 tsp of vanilla extract

1. Preheat the oven to 160 degrees (fan) and line two 20-23cm tins. If you only have one tin, that's ok - you can bake the cake in 2 batches.
2. Mix the cocoa powder and boiling water together until you get a paste (that photo below shows you what it will look like. It's not a poo. I swear.).
3. Mix all the other cake ingredients in using an electric mixer until evenly combined.
4. Split the batter between the two tins and bake for 30 min.
5. When the cake is ready, take it out of the oven and set aside to cool.
6. Use a wooden spoon or a chopstick or some other stick-like utensil to poke holes in each half of the cake.
7. Make the ganache: heat up the cream in a milk pan until it's *just* boiling. Take off the heat, add in the chocolate and whisk until it's smooth and all the chocolate is melted.
8. Make the butterscotch sauce: put all ingredients in a milk pan, bring to a boil while stirring, then boil for another 5 minutes, stirring it every minute or so (be careful not to over-stir). Set aside to cool down a bit (because it will be hot enough to burn a hole in the sun).
9. Assemble the cake: Pour about 1/3 of the ganache on each half of the cake, spooning it on slowly and smoothing it out so that it seeps into the holes in the cake. Put the cake halves in the fridge for about 10 - 15 minutes for the ganache to set. Then, pour half of the butterscotch sauce on the bottom half of the cake, place the top half on top of it, use the remaining third of ganache to ice the cake, and finally, drizzle the remaining butterscotch sauce on top.
10. (Optional) Sprinkle a pinch of flaky salt on top.

Even more awesome if you microwave it for 20 sec before serving. Enjoy.

Apple and puff pastry roses

Yes, I'm aware of the fact that literally everyone with access to Pinterest has made these before.

If you haven't: Please enjoy this 100% original recipe of mine that I came up with all by myself and not plagiarised it at all. Honest.

So easy, so quick, and SO delish!

Ingredients

• 200g of puff pastry
• 1 apple
• 6 tsp (or around 100g) of Philadelphia
• 3 tsp of ground cinnamon
• 3-6 tbsp of dark brown sugar
• 1 tsp of lemon juice
• 1 cup of water
• 1 tbsp of icing sugar
• butter, to grease the tins

1. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees and grease up 5 muffin tins.
2. Cut your apple in half, core it and slice up into very thin semi-circles.
3. Put the apple slices in a bowl, add the water and lemon juice, and microwave for a total of about 2 minutes, mixing through every 30 second or so. The apples should be soft. If they get there earlier, great. If they need a bit longer, give them another 30 sec in the microwave.
4. Drain the apples and set them aside to dry a bit (just so that they're not soggy).
5. Roll out your pastry. You want it about 1mm thick - if you bought pre-rolled, you may still have to do a bit of rolling to get it thinner.
6. Cut the pastry into roughly 25cm by 5cm strips.
7. Spread a thin layer of philadelphia on one half of one side of each of the pastry strips (along one of the long edges - see photo).
8. Sprinkle some sugar and cinnamon on the philadelphia, and lay out the apple slices on top of that.
9. Fold over the free side of the strip on top of the apples, and roll the strips up into a coil to form a rose.
10. Slide each rose into a muffin tin, and bake for 30 min.
11. Take out of the oven, let it cool and sprinkle a bit of icing sugar on top.

Peanut Butter and Jam cupcakes

Yup. Yup yup yup. As awesome as they sound.

And REALLY rich. Have, like, a half of one at a time. Unless you like to give yourself the beetus.

Ingredients:

Cupcakes (makes 9):

• 115g of self raising flour
• 115g of unsalted butter (cut up into cubes, at room temperature)
• 115g of caster sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 tsp of vanilla extract
• 1/2 tsp of baking powder
• a jar of your favourite jam (or around 9 tablespoons)

Icing:

• 130g of smooth peanut butter
• 50g of salted butter, at room temp, cubed
• 75g of icing sugar
• 3-5 Tbsp of milk

1. Preheat your oven to 180 degrees C (fan) and put 9 cupcake cases in a cupcake tin.
2. Mix all of the cupcake ingredients (except for the jam) in a bowl using an electric mixer.
3. Split equally between the 9 cases and bake for 20 min.
4. Take out of the oven and set aside to cool.
5. Core the cupcakes, either using a fancy pants hipster cupcake corer like mine, or... dunno, your hands? A spoon? You're smart, you'll figure it out.
6. Fill the cupcakes with a tablespoon of jam each.
7. Combine the icing ingredients with an electric mixer, adding 3 tbsp of milk at first, and then adding more if it's still too thick.
8. Pipe the frosting on top of the cupcakes.
9. Go away, get high, remember you made these and weep the tears of joy. (optional)

Hungarian Goulash

[In a really bad Russian accent] Here comrade, put some hairs on your chest with some good old eastern European food. Just like babushka used to make.*

Seriously though, if you ever struggled to grasp the meaning of the word moreish, make yourself a pot of this and thank me later.

*I only say this to annoy my Hungarian friends.

Ingredients:

• Oil/butter for frying
• 600g of diced beef (or a mixture of beef and pork)
• 2 medium onions, chopped
• 1 tbsp of paprika
• 1 tsp of spicy paprika
• 1 tsp of ground caraway
• Salt and pepper, about a teaspoon of each
• 1 bay leaf
• 3 cloves of garlic, crushed
• 1 tbsp of tomato paste
• 1 carrot
• A handful of fresh parsley
• 3 medium potatoes, peeled and diced
• 1 green bell pepper, diced
• Water

1. Fry off the beef on a bit of oil or butter (or a mixture of both) in a pan, until it’s browned. Make sure not to overcrowd the pan – you may need to do it in batches. Once done, transfer to a large soup pot.
2. In the same pan (you may need to add some more oil), gloss the onions and transfer them to the soup pot together with the meat.
3. Add paprika, caraway, salt and pepper, and bay leaf. Fry together on low heat for a couple of minutes, stirring constantly to make sure the spices don’t burn.
4. Add just enough water to cover all the ingredients in the pot, cover and simmer for about an hour – or until the meat is tender.
5. Add tomato paste, garlic, parsley, carrots, potatoes and peppers, and again enough water to cover everything. Bring back to boil, and simmer until potatoes are cooked.
6. Taste and add more spices if necessary.

Moroccan Harira

A very aromatic, flavourful, hearty soup. One of my personal favourites. Make sure you get good quality lamb and you'll fall in love with this dish.

• Oil/butter, for frying
• 500g of diced lamb
• 1 chopped onion
• 3 tbsp of fresh coriander, plus extra for garnish
• 3 tbsp of fresh parsley
• 1/2 tsp of ground ginger
• 1/2 tsp of ground turmeric
• 1 tsp of ground cinnamon
• Salt and pepper (to taste)
• 400g can of chopped tomatoes
• 75g of green lentils
• 400g (240g drained) can of chickpeas, drained and rinsed
• 75g of vermicelli
• 2 egg yolks
• Juice of ½ lemon

1. Fry off the lamb on a bit of oil or butter (or a mixture of both) in a pan, until it’s browned. Make sure not to overcrowd the pan – you may need to do it in batches. Once done, transfer to a large soup pot.
2. In the same pan (you may need to add some more oil), gloss the onions and transfer them to the soup pot together with the meat.
3. Add coriander, parsley and the spices. Mix and fry for a couple of minutes on low heat, stirring constantly to make sure the spices don’t burn.

4. Add the tomatoes, mix and cook together for about 5 minutes.
5. Add enough water to cover everything and simmer for about an hour.
6. Add more water again (about 1l), and add the lentils. Cook for further 30 min.
7. Add the chickpeas and cook until they’re soft (15-20ish minutes).
8. Add the vermicelli. Cook for 5 minutes (or however long it tells you to cook them on the packet). 9. If the soup is too thick at this point, add more water again.
10. Whisk the egg yolks and about half of the lemon juice together. Pour into the soup as it’s simmering, mixing constantly, and immediately take off the heat. Mix through until the yolk is fully incorporated into the soup.
11. Taste it and season/add the rest of the lemon juice if necessary.
12. Serve with a sprinkling of fresh coriander.

It's like Mac 'n Cheese, only with flavour.

A much, much better version of the old time classic (she said, humbly). The flavours are subtle but work perfectly to add a bit of character to the dish.

• 3 Tbsp of slightly salted butter
• 1 onion, chopped
• 1 red chilli, chopped
• 1 garlic clove, crushed
• A small bunch of chopped fresh coriander
• 1 bay leaf
• 1/2 tsp of ground allspice
• 1/2tsp of ground cinnamon
• 3 Tbsp of plain flour
• 500ml of whole milk
• 250g of grated mature cheddar
• salt and pepper, to taste
• macaroni
• 1 tbsp of chopped fresh mint

1. Gloss the onion on the butter
2. Add the coriander, garlic, chilli, bay leaf and spices. Fry on low heat for a couple of minutes, stirring constantly.
3. Add the flour and mix in.
4. Add the milk, little by little, mixing it in as you go. Once you've added all the milk in, simmer it for another 5 min or so, stirring constantly, until the sauce thickens.
5. Add in the cheese and mix in until it's dissolved. Taste and season with salt and pepper if necessary.
6. Add in the mint and stir in.
7. Boil the macaroni in a pot of salted water as per the instructions on the package.
8. Add the cooked macaroni into the cheese sauce and mix in until it's evenly coated.

Pear, grape and danish blue salad

I know, sounds awful. Totally works, though! I pinky swear it does. Delish.

Ingredients:

• 2 large or 3 small (very) ripe pears, trimmed and cut into long thin slices
• 200g-ish of good quality (sweet) red grapes
• 2 celery sticks, sliced (keep some leaves for garnish). (That one wasn't in the title, was it? That's right, I sneaked it in. Sneaky little celery. Trust it, though. Let it happen.)
• 2 Tbsp of lemon juice
• 3 Tbsp of olive oil
• pinch of salt
• about 2 tbsp of blue cheese (I used danish blue)
• wlanuts (optional)

1. Mix the pears, grapes, celery and walnuts in a bowl.
2. Shake the olive oil, lemon juice and salt together.
3. Pour the dressing over the salad.
4. Plate up.
5. Garnish with blue cheese and celery leaves.

I can't claim this one as my own, it's inspired by a Waitrose recipe card. Whatever, how about you come up with your own recipes all the time? Yeah, didn't think so.

Meringue ghosts

Boo!

Who wins at pinterest? That's right, I win at pinterest.



So this one doesn't have much of a recipe. All you need to do is make meringues (recipe here), make them a bit bigger and stacked, then use a skewer or something to pull little hands out of the body and bake it as normal, maybe add extra 15-20 min.

Oh, and do yourself a favour and use a homemade piping bag to shape the meringues. I say homemade, because any typical piping bag tip will be quite small and, while you can still make a tall meringue with it, it will just end up looking like a jobby (yup, tried it). What you want to do is use a zip lock bag or something like that and cut a rather large (maybe an inch long) opening in one corner. It's a bit more messy that way but they end up looking much better.

To make the faces, use food colouring gel. I used this, worked pretty well:

Hungarian potato pancakes

They're not actually Hungarian, they're Polish. We just call them 'Hungarian' to make them sound fancy and foreign.

Ingredients:

For the stew

• 500g of diced pork
• 500g of diced beef
• 1 large or 2 small onions, diced
• 1 tbsp of salted butter
• 2 red peppers, roughly chopped
• 3 cloves of garlic
• 1 tsp of ground caraway
• 1 tbsp of spicy paprika
• 1 tbsp of smoky paprika
• 1 tbsp of chilli flakes (optional)
• 2 tbsp of sour cream
• 1 tbsp of plain flour
• salt, to taste
• 1 cup of water
• a dollop of sour cream to serve
• oil for frying

For the potato pancakes

• 500g of potatoes, peeled and finely grated
• 1/2 a large onion, or 1 small, grated (I strongly recommend using a food processor for that)
• 1 egg
• 2 tbsp of plain flour
• 1/2 tsp of salt
• a pinch of pepper
• sunflower oil (plenty of) for frying

1. Heat up oil in 2 pans. Add butter to one of them, and once the butter melts add in onions. Fry until the onions are lightly browned. Brown the meat in the other one, in batches, so that the pan isn't overcrowded.
2. Put the meat, onions, garlic, water, smoked and spicy paprika, caraway and a good pinch of salt in a slow cooker. cook on low heat for about 5 hours. If you don't have a slow cooker, just use a pot and slow cook it the old-fashioned, analogue way. Light a bonfire in your kitchen and hang a cauldron over it or something, dunno.
3. Once the meat is completely tender, taste the stew and spice up/season as required.
4. Mix the cream and flour in a cup, and add a few spoonfuls of the liquid from the stew, one by one, mixing it in so that there are no lumps. Now add it back into the stew and mix in. Cook for another 5 min or so.
5. For the potato pancakes, mix the grated potatoes and onions, egg, flour and seasoning together. If you feel adventurous, you can add chilli flakes to it as well.

6. Fry on a generous amount of oil and medium heat, like you would normal pancakes, until golden brown and cooked all the way through. It may take about 10 min on each side.

7. Serve the pancakes with the stew and a dollop of sour cream. Also goes well with pickled gherkins or peppers.

Kefir dumplings

To be served with a stew of your choosing.

Making a stew, not sure what to serve it with? Boom. Kefir dough dumplings. You're welcome.

Ingredients:

• 500g of Kefir (you'll need to venture into the chilled Polish isle in your local supermarket for that one. Don't worry, just act normal. Don't run. With any luck you won't run into your cleaner.)
• 5 tbsp of sunflower oil
• 1 tbsp of white wine vinegar
• 1 tbsp of granulated sugar
• 1 tsp of salt
• 700g of plain flour, plus a bit more for dusting
• 1 tsp of bicarbonate soda

1. Mix the Kefir, 1 tbsp of oil, vinegar, sugar and salt in a bowl.
2. Sift the flour and bicarbonate soda into the same bowl and mix in.
3. Transfer onto a work surface dusted with flour and knead until the dough stops sticking to your hands. You may need to work more flour into it. The dough should be quite soft.
4. Divide in into 4 equal parts.
5. Flour the worktop again and roll each part into a very thin rectangle (no more than 0.5cm).
6. Pour 1 tbsp of oil on top of it and smear around with your fingers until it's evenly covered.
7. Roll up the dough from one side, like you would a cinnamon swirl, until you get a long sausage shape.
8. Cut into roughly 1 inch chunks.
9. Repeat with the remaining 3 parts. You should get roughly 30-35 dumplings.
10. When your stew is ready and boiling, reduce the heat and gently place all of the dumplings on top of it. You may want to do this in a fairly deep dish, because you'll have to cover it. My dumplings were sticking out a bit, so I couldn't use a normal lid for the pan, but I happened to have a wok of the same size, so I used that as a lid. Also, the next step is to cook them on low-medium heat for about 40 min, so you may want to make sure your stew has plenty of liquid in it. Otherwise it may burn a bit.
11. Cook for about 40 min, covered (told you).

Best Hummus Ever ©Neil

Ingredients

• 4x Cans of Chickpeas (Drained) 
• A fuck ton of Garlic. 
• 2tbps of Sesame Seeds 
• ½ cup of 🍋 juice 
• ¾ cup of water 
• ½ cup of olive oil 
• 2 tbps of pine nuts 
• ½ Red pepper 
• Souls of your vanquished enemies, the more the better. 
• “Handful” of coriander and basil 
• 1 tsps of; 
• Tumeric 
• Cumin 
• Garam Masala
• 2 tsps of Mustard Seeds 
• 3 tsps of Maldons Smoked Sea Salt 
• 1 tsps of chilli flakes, more if you're not a little bitch. 

Method

• Put all the shit above into a food processor. Turn the food processor on. Turn off again when at desired chunkyness. 

This will make quite a lot of hummus. But who doesn't want a fuck tonne of hummus? If you want less for some reason divide the quantity in half. If you want even less then you're a disappointment.

Armenian turd soup

Yes, I'm sure it has an actual name. Whatever, it tastes a bajillion times better than it looks.

It's a delicious, aromatic, slightly sweet and sour lamb stock with pomegranate molasses and cinnamon, chickpeas and lamb meatballs stuffed with prunes..

...which look like turds.

Well they do!!

Ingredients:

For the turds:

- 500g lamb mince
- about 8 prunes (pick ones that aren't too dry), halved
- 1 large onion, grated
- 3 tbsp of uncooked rice
- salt and pepper to taste
- oil for frying

For the stock:

- 2l of lamb stock (if you're using stock cubes, don't use the full recommended amount to begin with. E.g. if the package says to use 4 cubes for 2 litres of stock, use 3 to begin with. You can always add more at the end, and pomegranate molasses can be quite strong in flavour, so you don't want to overdo it)
- 1/2 cinnamon stick
- 2 tbsp pomegranate molasses (if you can't get pomegranate molasses, you can easily make it from pomegranate juice, sugar and lemon juice - recipe below)*
- 400g can of chickpeas
- 1 tsp of lemon juice
- 1/2 bunch of fresh coriander, chopped
- 1/2 bunch of fresh dill, chopped
- (optional) 1/4 tsp of liquid smoke

*If you're making pomegranate molasses yourself:

- 4 cups of pomegranate juice (not pomegranate juice drink - if has to be 100% pomegranate juice, like POM)
- 1/2 cup of sugar
- 2 tbsp of lemon juice

1. If you decide to make pomegranate molasses yourself, mix all the ingredients in a wide pan and simmer for about an hour. Once it thickens to a syrupy texture, let it cool slightly and transfer to a jar. You can store it in the fridge for... erm... until it looks off, I guess?

2. To make the turdy meatballs, mix the lamb, rice, onion and a good amount of salt and pepper together in a bowl. Form turd-shape meatballs, with half a prune inside each. You should get about 12-16 turds, depending on how generously you wrap the prunes in meat.

3. Heat up oil in a frying pan and sear all of your turds on medium to high heat, until they are browned on all sides.

4. Next, make the stock. Pour the lamb stock into a large soup pot, add the cinnamon stick and bring to boil.

5. Add pomegranate molasses and give it a bit of a stir to dissolve.

6. Drain and rinse the chickpeas, and add to the soup.

7. Carefully place your turds into the soup, and let it all simmer together for 20-25 minutes, or until the chickpeas are soft.

8. Add lemon juice to taste. It should be slightly sweet and sour, and a bit smoky and christmassy. Sometimes, I add a 1/4 spoon of liquid smoke to bring out the flavour.

9. Serve with a garnish of coriander and dill.

Mmmm... tasty turds.